Summer Skin
I wait all year for this day to come and now that its here I am bursting with excitement, but my nerves are making me uneasy. Ramapo for Children has been my summer home since 2005, the most special place in my heart. Inspiring children, Enriching lives is our slogan. Ramapo is a sleep away camp for children and teens with emotional, behavior, at-risk, and autism spectrum disorders. It is also the most intense and humbling experience I have ever been apart of. Now I’m back, I always enter during training week about 5 days late due to summer school. This makes my transition more difficult because I miss out on the initial bonding between the new and old staff members.
Here I am, back again in beautiful upstate New York and I can’t even get out of the car. I have been dreaming of seeing him again, is he really back? Yogev- the most handsome and elusive man I have ever had the privilege to call mine; well he was mine, but briefly. The summer of 2006 was our summer.
“Wait, don’t open the door yet. I need to tell you something.” I want to touch his face and feel his smooth dark arms reach out for me; I want to tell him every piece of me adores him. I adore him for being kind and for sharing my passion of working with teenage boys with Autism. He looks at me and says “Jessie, sometimes I look at you while you’re working with your boys and the love you put out, I take in. I know I’m supposed to be a strong Israeli guy, but you bring me to tears.” I touch his face and can’t speak so I kiss him. He knows me! He gets me! I love him for acknowledging my talents and patience.
I walked down the trail looking for my new group of co-workers who would be my family for the next 9 weeks. They were sitting on the benches of bunks 17 and 18, I hate walking into groups especially when everyone is silent. I climbed the steps and coyly waved hello, once I was noticed huge hugs and smiles were exchanged. My friend Dan and now boss [so weird!] squeezed me tightly and said “Everyone this is Jessie, she is amazing. Please get to know her, its worth your while. I guarantee you will learn the most from this girl right here.” I smiled brightly and felt a bit more at ease, but where is he?!
He wasn’t there; maybe this is good because I do not know what to say to him or even how to look at him. It has been a year since we spoke, Israel and New Jersey is quite a distance. Oh god, that familiar scent- his cologne mixed with cigarettes, that is Yogev’s signature smell. His tan arms spun me around before I could react, he held my face and kissed my cheek. I was shaking, I’ve waited so long for this moment I wanted it to be perfect. I imagined we would run down the trail together laughing and holding hands, the way it used to be. Sadly I couldn’t have been more wrong. Barely making eye contact, he quickly walked to the other side of the deck and obviously pretended to be busy. This set the tone for summer 2007 ‘the best summer ever’ AKA the summer I learned to let go.
Our campers arrived on a Monday and I thought that he would have to speak to me, even if it was just work related. I was wrong again. Yogev acted as if I were invisible, he had others send messages to me even simple ones such as “Arts and crafts is being switched with basketball today.” What is his problem? What did I do? I became so self conscious, did I change? I began getting up earlier in the mornings just to make sure my completely unruly hair looked somewhat decent. A task which was a total lost cause because we live outside! Heat plus humidity does not equal good looking hair. Since when did I care about stupid things like this? I became so focused on myself and my appearance that I was slipping away from what is most important to me- my campers. I have worked with children and teens with autism since I was 12 years old, this is where I excel and have always felt one hundred percent confidant in my abilities. Ramapo has been a safe place for me because I am respected and highly appreciated by my co-workers. I have formed a strong bond with individuals with Autism because I find the lack of verbal communication fascinating. I am proud of my ability to communicate with my campers without speaking. Working with this population requires patience and the skill of incredible observance.
My camper Will is Yogev’s number one fan, he lovingly refers to him as “Goof” since he is unfamiliar with Israeli names. When Goof enters a room Will laughs loudly, flaps his arms, and becomes happily over stimulated. This reaction still makes my heart pump faster, even if he won’t look at me- the way he looks at Will is beautiful. At every meal Will sits in front of me, I realized we were both fixated on the same routine while in the dining hall. The famous routine of “Where is Yogev?” Will would twirl in his seat saying “GOOF” loudly, and I kept straining my neck and twisting in hopes to find him. Sitting in the dining hall I was so fixated on catching his eye that I didn’t eat much and I wasn’t engaging my campers with enthusiasm like I used to. I need to snap out of it, I have never let a guy cut into me like this.
June 28, 2007
“Fear is the heart of love, so I never looked back…” I should have known better, if you put too many expectations into anything- you will be left feeling dissatisfied and empty. I’m not here for romance, but since I had the best taste of it here previously I want it back SO badly. Last summer I never felt more beautiful and confidant and I had him to thank for that. Or was it my boys that inspired me? When he gave me that hug and kiss on the cheek I couldn’t stop trembling. I forgot how his scent empowers me. Please stop being so awkward around him, he loved you for you. He loved that you sang and danced with silly boys all say, he liked your messy hair. I would do anything to go back to the way we were.”
It was time for the counselor talent show, the whole camp comes together at the meeting grounds while singing and dancing for an hour. Events like these are often a disaster with my bunk, individuals with autism have a difficult time with loud and chaotic settings. I opted to stay out with my camper Alex. Alex is 14 years old, non-verbal, lanky, and easily frightened- which can lead to aggressive behaviors. He acts like a scared animal, always alert and ready to flee any situation that is unfamiliar to him. I took Alex’s hand and led him to the playground which is a good distance away from the talent show. He was unsure of what was going on and he immediately kicked off his shoes and ran across the soccer field. I wanted him to trust me so badly, I realized I did not have a relationship with this boy and it was already a week into the session. I am the group leader, I live with these boys day in and day out- how do I not know him at all?! I cannot believe I let Yogev busy my head with worries when I am here with a beautiful and intriguing child.
Alex’s twiggy pale legs were sprinting pretty fast now, I called for him and surprisingly he turned around. Like him, I kicked off my shoes and ran towards him. He waited for me, I took his hand and tried to have him run with me. He let go and stared at me, “Come on Alex lets run this way!” I try to imitate many of my campers behaviors in order to get a reaction from them and have them see that what they are doing is okay [as long as they are being safe.] He followed my lead and we headed for the swing set, I was smiling as big as I could trying to convey to him ‘happy’ and ‘this is fun.’ He smiled back! I was so excited he even began to giggle, this small break gave me a surge of energy. He happily sat on a swing, looked at me and in sign language said ‘more.’ I almost fell over, I didn’t know he could sign! He signed to me, this is amazing. I eagerly went behind him and pushed him on the swing, then I ran in front. Each time his legs went up to pump I jumped to tickle his toes. He was now laughing hysterically and signing ‘more’ repeatedly. We were feeding off each others energy, and I finally began to feel centered.
It was July and the thick humid air made both of our arms and legs slick with sweat. The swing set remained mainly in the shade, providing minimal relief from the heat. Each time Alex would pump his pale legs the sun would shine on his face and make his wide blue eyes sparkle. I have encountered so many Autistic children with these large glistening eyes that must have been given to them for a reason. The way Alex looks at leaves or digs furiously in the dirt intrigues me, I think he has the gift of seeing things I cannot. This is why I am here; this is why I love Ramapo so much. I do not come here for personal relationships, how dare I let myself get wrapped up in a man. How dare I forget to look into my boys glistening eyes as often as I can. I am brought back to my well-being, brought back to my desire of wanting nothing more than to enter the mysterious world of Autism.
I was so overjoyed and elated that Alex helped me find myself again that I stopped the swing, reached out for him and hugged him tight while saying ‘Thank you.’ He was not interested in my over affection, he wriggled out of my grasp and took off running across the field, just as we had begun. I looked to the sun, soaked in the trees and clouds. I took off after Alex, my hero. We laughed and took turns chasing each other, forming an unconventional game of tag. Being under the summer sun we were both dripping with sweat, and I never felt more beautiful and confidant. I picked up our shoes, we twirled down the trail together and I never looked back.
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