#3 brainstorming for memoir

My earliest memories are from around 2-3 years old. I remember bits and pieces of time, snapshots of being in my house in Connecticut with my nanny. I feel like she did not watch me that closely because I was always watching her, wondering what she was doing. She watched the movie Dirty Dancing over and over and today I still love the soundtrack. The smell of her cigarettes was soothing to me and to this day when I smell that brand I think of being a little girl. I can still see the tiny yellow car she drove, I used to pick at the peeling paint on the side. I once colored rainbows in chalk on the legs of the dining room chairs. I washed them away with water before she ever noticed.

I was around 5 years old and my parents took me to the eye doctor. There was some concern about the unusual shape of my eye, the inside not exterior. Doctors were concerned that I had childhood glaucoma, which can lead to blindness. They tried to dilate my pupils with eye drops and for some reason this scared me so badly that every time I cried out the medicine, making it impossible for anyone to see my eyes. To this day I cannot jump into a pool or even put my face under the shower without immediately wiping the water away from my eyes. I do not know how to submerge myself in water, pop up, and open my eyes. It is literally impossible and I still cannot put eye drops in, good thing I don’t have allergies.

I have a wonderful and caring family, but a lot of struggles within. I am fortunate to know what I want to do in life, I am going to be a special education teacher. Throughout the years I have worked with some incredible individuals who truly are so important in my life. My best friend and I have worked at a special needs sleep-away camp for the past 3 years, we take care of the teenage boys with autism. Domenic is my other half, my sounding board, my co-worker. We even have matching tattoos to show our love and dedication to each other as well as the teens we have worked with. I have never met a man with his patience and compassion, I truly feel that we were meant to meet and know each other forever. He is me in a different body and I am him.

I am horribly angry with my brother. He was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when he was 9 years old, which is rare as a child. His anger, rage, and mania throughout the years has pushed my family to their limits. He will be turning 19 in December and for the past two months he has been on a manic roller coaster, taking me and my parents with him. His lack of responsibility or remorse for things he has done wrong makes me sick. His anger and extreme rage is frightening and debilitating, my parents don’t have the energy to fight back anymore. Nobody knows what to do, they come to me for advice and I am at a total loss. Yes I am a special ed major, I have patience, lots of it- but for him I have little to none. He is killing my parents and making them older by the day, I almost feel like I came first they are my parents so stop abusing them. As of right now there is nothing we can do.

Rhinebeck NY, Ramapo for Children aka Ramapo Anchorage Camp is my absolute favorite place in the world. This camp has changed me in every way. With the beautiful scenery, open skies, miles of green, the air feels different. The campers I have worked with are so incredible that I truly believe they are angels sent from above, and I am in no means religious. I pick up on this energy that lifts me up and I am able to pass it along to others. I have met the most amazing people in NY. Anyone who signs up to work at Ramapo is not doing it for money or any type of selfish need, you do if for others. It is a life changing experience when you devote yourself to a greater cause. That may sound so cliché or even pretentious, but it is the only way to truly give in to love. “Live your life with a compassion you can be proud of then let your last breathe fade away with dignity and love.”

My parents love to re-tell how I was such a fearful child. I was scared to walk, my parents knew I could I just refused to. So when I decided to take my first step, I ran, I ran in circles around the room. I was scared of my first tooth falling out, so I let that baby hang out of my mouth until the very last strand broke instead of simply taking it out myself. I was scared to get eye drops in my eyes. I didn’t like anything that could potentially hurt me. I refused to walk on the sand on a beautiful tropical vacation because there were black dots, I thought they were bugs, it was actually seaweed. I was scared to ride a bike, I only decided to learn once I saw my 4 year old brother zooming around the neighborhood on two wheels.

I will be recognized as teacher of the year. I am not one for the spotlight, but I do need my dedication to be recognized. I will have married my high school sweetheart, Camille F. Olivier- making me Mrs. Olivier. I want to work or create my own program for individuals with Autism, most likely in an outside setting. I would want to live in upstate NY or the city, maybe someplace in-between. I want my brother to be stable and my parents to not be old. I want respect and to be confidant in myself. I will never let Domenic be alone, I want him to find his love. I want us to go to Israel together and spend as much time there as we want. I want to make break throughs and work with teenagers, teaching life skills.