revised draft.

I look prettier with my hair down, but I always wear it up, if I show up with it down it will look like I’m trying too hard. Should I wear the same outfit I wore to school? Attempt to make it appear that I didn’t put too much thought into this date? Is this a date? Oh my god I’m going on my first real date! I can’t lie ever since I got home I’ve been playing dress up with my wardrobe and counting the minutes until it was time to go. My dad drove me to the movie theatre and I crossed my fingers just hoping he would be there before I was. We didn’t have cell phones when we were sixteen so I had to take his word for a meeting time and place. Dad pulled up and I smiled with relief to see Camille standing there waiting for me patiently. We saw the movie “Joyride” I have almost no recollection of what the movie is about or who is in it, I just remember him preparing me for the “scary parts.” The movie was less than thrilling so I found it funny that he was looking for an excuse to hold my hand or lean in close to me.

My memory jumps to nervously standing in the Morristown green and saying our goodbyes. Camille is a grade older than me, is in a band, and has a mohawk…which all put together meant my dream boy. I was shocked that this cool older guy wanted to take me out, I’ve always been on the quieter side- how did he even notice me? With his hands in his pockets he leaned into me and we kissed. We both took a step back and went our separate ways- quickly, both too nervous to say anything more. To my surprise a group of my friends were on the other side of the park, they wanted details, but I’ve always kept details of boys to myself. There was Ryan, sitting on his BMX bike and smiling at me. We’ve had a mutual crush on each other for a couple weeks now. I could still see Camille walking down South Street, I pretended that I couldn’t and I left with Ryan. This was just the beginning of running off with boys who were easy, who were funny, who didn’t challenge me in any way.




The question of the day was “Are you going to see Trophy Scars and The Prime play tonight?” Who did these kids think they were talking to? Of course I was going, I am The Prime’s biggest fan AKA Camille’s biggest fan. My best girlfriends and I adoringly referred to ourselves as the bands best ‘groupies,’ but not the bimbo/attention seeking type. We were so proud that our friends, our best guy friends had made a name for themselves outside of Morristown. They were The Prime from New Jersey; Camille couldn’t go to the mall without being recognized or see teens wearing their logo. Nickie picked me up from my house in her new 2003 two door silver Saturn, it was a big change from her Jeep. For some reason we felt like rockstars in her brand new car, we rolled down the windows and let the summer air pull our hair in every direction. Just graduating high school brought on feelings of maturity mixed with recklessness. Nickie flew down 287 while we both sang along with Saves the Day on the top of our lungs “and please if you’ve got a minute, enjoy this lonely sky with me. It will swallow us whole- if we only let it!”

We pulled up to Bloomfield Ave Café in Montclair and squeezed into the first parking spot we saw, we were already late. It wasn’t Nickie’s fault, I am always late, and especially when I knew I would be seeing Camille. We already had purchase tickets in advance, so we through them on the merch girls table and ran inside. The Prime had already started performing; Camille as usual was sitting behind his drum set furiously pounding away. I pushed my way to the front making it known that was my position. After the first song James the singer talked to the crowd about buying their CD, I took the opportunity to grab Camille’s attention. I pointed my wrist and he nodded, I went to the side of the stage and quickly climbed up. I took of my navy wristband with the red heart and handed it to Camille, he slipped it onto his wrist and resumed drumming. This was our tradition, not sure how it started- but before every performance I
would lend him my wristband. He liked to think of it as a modified ‘wearing your heart on your sleeve’ type concept.

Nickie and I danced around the floor, and rocked out to our favorite band. The last song came to an end and James began to thank the audience for coming, but Camille started hitting his drums some more. The band took his lead and they played one more song, my favorite song “Sweeter Than Sweet.” James was not too fond of this song, but Camille knew I loved it, this silent dedication to me made me feel like a queen. I helped break down his drum set while Trophy Scars took the stage, we rarely had the opportunity to watch bands perform from the floor. We pushed the drums to the side, decided to worry about it later and let ourselves get lost in the crowd. Camille took my hand and looked into my eyes, we both had the dreamy “young and in love” expression across our faces. He told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and coming from him- I believed it. A month later I left to go to college in CT and he went to school in Philly, I didn’t know what to say to him. He did, he always knows what to say:
August 22, 2003 “Thoughts on the future are, well, the future is easy because it doesn't exist, but the past is hard because it lasts forever."



My brother wasn’t allowed on the plane because his passport expired, even thought the agent my mother spoke to the day before said “It’s no big deal, as long as you get a new one in the next 2 months.” Our family vacation plans changed very quickly, my mom is always on her toes and if things can’t be done her way- well she will find a way. “Jess is there somewhere in the U.S. you have wanted to go?” It didn’t take me long to blurt out California! I had promised Camille that I would go out there and see him, as long as he still considered NJ his home. The thought of CA always made me kind of sick, Los Angeles seems like a horrible place to be. Silicon women, no imperfections, moneymoneymoney. I am very confidant in my character, who I am and what I stand for. But I’m only human, and its tough being a girl and not feel ‘less than’ in the constant and silent competition sometimes. I knew that if I had Camille by my side he would make me feel like the most precious being not just in LA but in the world, he always has.

I arrived in San Diego prepared for ‘family vacation,’ of course I immediately turned my phone on and called Camille. A couple hours later I was [once again] in the car with my dad on my way to the train station. I was so anxious and nervous, having not seen him in months- naturally I was running very late. I had to run into the station, buy my ticket and bolt it to the train. My heart was pounding while I fell into a seat, I barely made it. I took out a box of makeup and began a cycle of painting and then washing my face. I wanted to look perfect, but not too perfect- he says he prefers me with no makeup, but that’s just what boys say. I ended up here I began with my classic look of lined eyes and pouty lips. I sent him a text message asking him to be there to pick me up on time because I’m unfamiliar with LA and honestly scared of that city. I stepped out of the station, took a quick glance at the cars waiting and thank God, there he was, being harassed by a woman telling him that he isn’t allowed to park in a loading zone. I jumped into his car, he took off and the woman scribbled his license plate number on her pad of paper. I bounced in the passenger seat while hugging him, trying not to distract his driving. We were so happy, both with that familiar dreamy look on our faces.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, I studied his face, his new tattoos, and the familiar ones. He has a purple lotus flower on his neck, I knew it was his first, but couldn’t remember why he got it. “Why did you get the flower again?” He looked at me, shocked that I didn’t know, he said it was for me. I didn’t understand because the scroll in the middle of it says “The beginning of the end,” a saying that I relate with negativity. Of course I was wrong, he meant that I was his first true love and no matter who came between us, he knew in the end it would be him and I.