I'm having a really hard time with this essay. I have tried 3 different openings and settings and they all turn out so boring. I'm not even sure I want to write about him anymore, it is sounding so dull. I guess I will post the 3 anyway, I am nowhere near finished or even started for that matter. I'm thinking of changing my subject because this is not working out how I had planned.
I look prettier with my hair down, but I always wear it up, if I show up with it down it will look like I’m trying too hard. Should I wear the same outfit I wore to school? Attempt to make it appear that I didn’t put too much thought into this date? Is this a date? Oh my god I’m going on my first real date! I can’t lie ever since I got home I’ve been playing dress up with my wardrobe and counting the minutes until it was time to go. My dad drove me to the movie theatre and I crossed my fingers just hoping he would be there before I was. We didn’t have cell phones when we were sixteen so I had to take his word for a meeting time and place. Dad pulled up and I smiled with relief to see Camille standing there waiting for me patiently. We saw the movie “Joyride” I have almost no recollection of what the movie is about or who is in it, I just remember him preparing me for the “scary parts.” The movie was less than thrilling so I found it funny that he was looking for an excuse to hold my hand or lean in close to me. My memory jumps to nervously standing in the Morristown green and saying our goodbyes. Camille is a grade older than me, is in a band, and has a mohawk…which all put together meant my dream boy. I was shocked that this cool older guy wanted to take me out, I’ve always been on the quieter side- how did he even notice me? With his hands in his pockets he leaned into me and we kissed. We both took a step back and went our separate ways- quickly, both too nervous to say anything more. To my surprise a group of my friends were on the other side of the park, they wanted details, but I’ve always kept details of boys to myself. There was Ryan, sitting on his BMX bike and smiling at me. We’ve had a mutual crush on each other for a couple weeks now. I could still see Camille walking down South Street, I pretended that I couldn’t and I left with Ryan.
“Oh my God, was that Jackie’s car? I think it was, I bet she saw me. Jess everyone knows your car, she is going to kill me.” I was missing my best friend Jamie who lives in Albany, NY so I planned a last minute roadtrip to go see him. I asked Camille to come along with me, didn’t think his girlfriend would let him off the leash for a moment. I hate that he has to lie to her in order to see me. Whatever Jackie is not my problem, I sort of hoped that she would catch him- then I could have him all to myself. Once we got on the NY State Throughway he relaxed and we were able to be ourselves, laughing/crying because the a/c in my car spits the air directly into your eyes, no matter where you point the vents.
My brother wasn’t allowed on the plane because his passport expired, even thought the agent my mother spoke to the day before said “It’s no big deal, as long as you get a new one in the next 2 months.” Our family vacation plans changed very quickly, my mom is always on her toes and if things can’t be done her way- well she will find a way. “Jess is there somewhere in the U.S. you have wanted to go?” It didn’t take me long to blurt out California! I had promised Camille that I would go out there and see him, as long as he still considered NJ his home. The thought of CA always made me kind of sick, Los Angeles seems like a horrible place to be. Silicon women, no imperfections, moneymoneymoney. I am very confidant in my character, who I am and what I stand for. But I’m only human, and its tough being a girl and not feel ‘less than’ in the constant and silent competition sometimes. I knew that if I had Camille by my side he would make me feel like the most precious being not just in LA but in the world, he always has.
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3 comments:
I really like how you put yourself out there and let us know you were struggling with finding a focus. Out of the three ideas you posted I really liked the last one. I got a sense of your personality and tone. I also think that when you travel for someone you care about it is always interesting because you put yourself on the line. It's hard to critique the parts because you haven't fully developed your idea but I like where it is going. Is this story going to mostly be about you and Camille or is it going to have different faucets? I don't know if I can tell where you are going by your first segments but once the topic developes I'm sure it will be clear. I can't wait to see how it turns out. GOOD LUCK!
Hey Jess. Great job so far. I think you shouldn't stress too much about the whole thing, you have lots of potential from what I've read so far. Seeing as the entire essay isn't in one piece yet, I guess I can't give you a wholistic assessment based on the list we compiled in class with Schwartz's essay. However, I can just add my two cents' worth to tell you that for me personally, I think the first opening is PERFECT!!! OMG! You had me going "aoowwwwuhhh" (in that chute sound girls [mostly] and guys make when touched by chuteness--e.g. when you see a chute baby--get it?)! So, I think you should start off with it, and select other scenes from over the years, with insightful 20/20 vision commentary and reflection to show us your journey with that love of your life. Remember: that's just my little suggestion--the other parts are good too btw, and you could build on them. I think I like the third part the least. The second can even give you two conflicts to resolve in the end: the whole mix with his other girlfriend, along with the rest of the journey of development for the two of you. Good luck.
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